Still Life (Forever Still #1) Read online

  A.M. Johnson

  Still Life

  Forever Still Series Book One

  A.M. Johnson

  Copyright 2015 A.M. Johnson

  All Rights Reserved

  This book is a work of fiction. Any references to real events, real people, and real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the Author’s imagination and any resemblance to persons, living or dead, actual events, organizations or places is entirely coincidental.

  All rights are reserved. This book is intended for the purchaser of this e-book ONLY. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping, or by any information storage retrieval system, without the express written permission of the Author. All songs, song titles and lyrics contained in this book are the property of the respective songwriters and copyright holders.

  Editing by Swish Design & Editing

  Formatting by Swish Design & Editing

  Cover design by J.E.B. Johnson

  Cover image Copyright 2015

  For those who have fought and continue to fight,

  we owe you everything.

  ~For Kort~

  You are truly missed brother.

  First, to the reader, I would like to thank you for taking this journey with me. Sawyer and Elizabeth’s story comes from a very personal place for me. I love these characters and in a crazy way they are real… well, at least for me. You see, my characters talk to me on a daily basis, telling me what I need to know. At times, I listen and at times I do not. I am grateful I listened to them this time.

  You have no idea what it means to me that you have taken the time out of your life to enter this world of mine and for that I owe you everything.

  So here comes the big fat hugs and sloppy kisses.

  First and foremost I must thank my family. My dear sexy husband, who put up with so much during this crazy process. Thank you, Evan for being there, for keeping things afloat even when you yourself were sinking. You are my anchor. Thank you for letting me log hours on end in the Facebook ‘book world’ and never once complaining, even though I’m sure at times you wanted to flush my phone down the commode. Thank you for letting me look at schmexy male muses and never once feeling jealous. (Let’s face it most of those guys are probably jerks, right?) Thanks for being my perfect man, and thanks for not being broken so I could be. I love you with all of my heart no matter what, for all time and eternity.

  To my kids… You guys were so patient and cute and well hell, you lost a mom to the writing cave for a bit… I hope you can forgive me. Love you to the moon and back, and all the way to Pluto my little gems.

  To my friends… Holy balls batman, a girl could never have so many amazing friends. I am truly blessed. Racheal Brewer, Brandie Godfrey (girl you are like a sister to me), Julie Howell, and Morgan Karpus (my beautiful Wednesday girl), you ladies have been there for me from the beginning. You’ve read this story one hundred times, dealt with my persistent, “have you read it yet” texts. You’ve given me great feedback, helped me through my insecurities and put me in my place when I got a little crazy. For that, I’m indebted to you for a lifetime. Racheal, you are my moral compass, Brandie you are my heart, Julie you are my reason and Morgan you are my light. Love you bitches! Oh, and Morgan, Noah called, he said get your ass in the writing cave!

  Laura Jensen and Erin Shadbolt, you ladies, are my sisters. You are always there for me no matter what. I know when we are old and gray you girls will be there for me. I love you more than you could possibly know and am thankful for every minute of my life that has been spent with you.

  To Carlee Hamblin Hansen… Thank you so much for dredging through my first draft and reading things that probably made you so uncomfortable. You’re my home girl and can’t thank you enough. To Mackenzie Taylor, you are Unbroken, don’t forget it. To Jen Larson, you are my life long girl and I love you dearly.

  During this process, I was lucky enough to stumble upon some amazing people, pushed myself on them, and now I just don’t know what I would’ve done without them.

  Maria Macdonald, holy shit lady I just love you. You have helped me more than you can imagine. You’ve held my hand through this whole thing and I just can’t thank you enough. Without you I would have never met my amazing beta team, editor or Francessca Webster. (Beth, I’ll get to you in a second). I want to write books alongside you always. I’m so glad I persuaded you to be my friend (wink wink). I’m amazed at your writing talent and can’t wait to read what’s next from you. Thank you for being there for me when I needed a cyber-hug, rant or meltdown. Couldn’t ask for a better friend.

  Beth LeMilliere, you rock my socks off girl. Thank you for giving me so much amazing feedback. Thank you for being there for me when I needed you. I want to take this time to say embrace your talent girl. You have it. Write that damn book or I may fly over the Atlantic and force it out of you. And I hate planes… just saying… I am so thankful I met you. I have no doubt that you and Maria are going to be my lifelong friends. You bitches are my British soul sisters. (P.S. Thanks for talking to me on a daily basis and keeping me sane.)

  Francessca Webster you are a graphics goddess, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Again, I couldn’t be happier that we have become friends. Thank you for your patience and your willingness to always be there to help me. You’ve saved me so many times and I couldn’t be more grateful for you.

  To my amazing Beta team… You guys, without you this book would be crap. Thank you from the bottom of my black little heart. You gave me such great criticism and helped make this story what it is. Giant hugs and kisses. Maria Macdonald, Beth LeMilliere, Heidi Bocarisa, Ellie Aspill from the Cosy Reader, Tiffany the Bibliophile Ly and Tracey-Lee Mylchreest. You ladies took precious time from your busy lives and helped me create this world and made it perfect. There are not enough words to describe how grateful I am to you.

  Tracey-Lee, thanks for messaging me that night. A friendship made in book heaven. You have been so amazing to me this entire process and I am lucky to call you my friend. Flove you so hard.

  Tiffany Ly what the shiz my girl. You are amazing! I’m so freaking happy, grateful that I fell into your lap. I’m so lucky to have you in my corner! Sawyer and Todd are ready for that sleep over ;)

  To my editor and formatting/design team... Oh my gosh, to think we almost didn’t work together. The horror! I am so freaking happy I got you. Kaylene Osborn, you are more than my editor, you are a truly great friend. You also held my hand, talked to me every day, never left me out of the loop and worked yourself sick. You are a superhero and any author would be lucky to work with you. Love your face woman. Kimberly Osborn, thank you so much for your amazing work and help. I am excited to add you to my Beta team as well. You and your mum have been there for me and have helped with all my crazy anxiety, and for that I’m appreciative.

  To my OB/GYN girls… You know who you are, I FLOVE you too. You have listened to me blab on and on about this freaking book. You have been my cheerleaders and I have no doubt even if you hate the book, you’d tell me you loved it and buy three copies. You ladies are my rock. Night Shift Rules! P.S. Thanks to Krystina Ralph (I know you don’t really read that much) for reading my little story. For this, you will have weekly Nick Bateman pictures sent to your phone for life… unless he finally wises up and marries you. (This is my wish, not yours I know. What can I say, you guys would make cute babies.)

  Jennifer B. Johnson. Girl I love you, sister. Thank you so much for dropping everything to throw this cover together. Thank you for dealing with crazy fast deadlines and my excessive texts and worries. Th
ank you for taking your valuable time and helping me create something that is beautiful and will be cherished for life. Thank you for putting aside, I am sure, your motherly duties to help me. I freaking love you so much lady.

  Thank you, Mom for helping me when I needed it, for always encouraging me when I was down. Without you I wouldn’t be here… literally. To my entire family, I love you guys so much I have the best sisters in the whole world.

  Thank you to Kim and Tyler Johnson for creating my perfect man and always being there for our family. (Christina Johnson thank you for ensuring that I always had a shoulder to cry on.)

  Special shout out to Kristine McGinnis for always helping and cheering me on. Summer Clark and Summer’s Book Blog for the immense help you have offered, as well as the amazing promo work you have done. To Jodi “Bibliophile” Maliszewski for giving me a laugh and making eggplants dirty. Hell girl, you kill me. Tillie Cole for her amazing words and inspiration, without you I’d never know the “alpha” I had in my dark little soul :) And Jessica Park for creating one of my all-time favorite books and answering my newbie questions. Mandi Beck for introducing me to Deacon, the unprecedented and my favorite alpha male. Wow! Also, for always being there to answer weird little questions about publishing, in general. Thanks to Book Whores for Life for making my procrastination entertaining.

  To my Pep Squad, Heather Bennett, Martha Boss Coth @divadoes4good, Lisa book_ish_life Wilson for your amazing edits and promotion during the review period. You brought this book to life. All my IG girls that adopted me and helped me so much! I owe you so much especially, @bookobsessedgirl (Anna A.), @mg_herrera, @73jem, Michelle T @mt.readsandhikes, @dragonflyreads (Sarah), @inkedinchapters @greywhore and @midnightowl80.

  Last but not least, Emma Mack from Tink’s typos. Thank you lady for squeezing this panicked woman into your schedule! Thank You for being there for me and believing in me. I won’t ever forget it!

  I feel like I’m probably forgetting something or someone. But know that if you are in my life you are loved immensely. I’d go to hell and back for any of you punks and you know it. I FLOVE every last one of you. Big hugs and sloppy kisses from me.

  Thank You

  Dedication

  A Note for the Reader

  Acknowledgments

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Epilogue

  Play List

  Connect with Me Online

  About the Author – A.M. Johnson

  It was unseasonably warm for late September, with the windows down in my car I enjoyed the dry breeze as I pulled up to the traffic lights. My eyes were drawn to the car next to me. She was enjoying the warm spell too. Her windows were down and she was blaring some unknown music from her stereo. The side of my mouth pulled into a grin as I watched. She didn’t notice me watching at first. She sang freely, her voice strong and beautiful. The song was feminine and the guitars were light. She had long very dark hair pulled into a high ponytail. I was transfixed.

  Suddenly, she started and bit her bottom lip. Her once tall posture and confidence waned. Slowly, she glanced over to look at me, chagrin written all over her face. I couldn’t tell, was she blushing? She was embarrassed to have been caught that’s for sure, her solo concert abruptly ended. I gave her a huge smile. She just bit her lip again and looked forward, sinking into her seat. I watched as she fidgeted uncomfortably, waiting for the light to change. She was so pretty. No, not pretty, but plainly beautiful. I suddenly had a crazy urge to call out to her, ask her name when she sped off. The car behind me honked their car horn and I was sharply pushed from my reverie.

  I pulled into my apartment complex. I felt dejected. I wanted to see that girl again.

  I focused on that memory while I looked down at her in that hospital bed. I tried to stop the bleeding, she’d lost so much blood. She was here now, eyes closed, her silky hair ran through my fingers. This small touch caused shivers to run up my spine. I placed a small kiss on her cool cheek. Resting my forehead against hers, her breathing light and steady, blew against my lips. We’d get through this. We had to, there was no other choice…

  I loved how my limbs felt weighted down. My eyes closed as I rested my head on my soft sateen pillow. The warm cotton fuzzy feeling in my brain pulling me back to my memories. The indulgent tin sound of the guitars coming from my headphones drowning out the present. The wine bringing all the memories to the surface again. My eyes remained closed.

  I saw the dark grey sky, felt the dampness invade my body. I saw the broken down ranch rail fence and that lonely white barn house from my childhood. I walked toward the wooden fence, feeling the rough wood beneath my palm. “Ow!” I looked down, a small spot of red blood pooled to the surface of my skin. I pulled the splinter out. I heard it then. The sound of breaking glass, my mother’s shrill scream. I was running, running across the land. The large farm property burning beneath my feet. My lungs filled with ache, fear engulfed me. I was running, trembling, trying to save them again…

  Suddenly I was awake. Lying in my dark room, I couldn’t breathe. I jumped up from bed and turned the bedside table light on. I scrubbed my palm down my face and stared at the wall. It seemed no matter what I did, I couldn’t escape my past. I recently decided to embrace it. My therapist told me to try and bring to the surface all the memories I’ve pushed down for so long.

  “Just breathe and listen to your mind.” Julia was a cool lady. I’d never had a therapist actually help me before. I looked at the clock. It was eight o’clock.

  “Shit!” I jerked myself up and out of bed.

  I was late, again. A couple of my friends from college and I were in a band. I needed to be at The Lounge tonight by 10:00 p.m., which meant I had exactly a half an hour to get my rear in gear. I took a huge gulp of my now warm wine. I jumped in the shower, threw on some skinny jeans and my faded Pixies band T-shirt. I side-braided my long dark hair. I guess if I had to describe myself, I would say shabby and petite. I knew I wasn’t ugly, but I definitely was a ‘type.’ The kind of girl not every guy drools over, but some guys would. I had to be their ‘type,’ I was short, five feet two inches, curvy and little at the same time. My hair was long enough to almost reach the middle of my back. If it weren’t for my curves I’d almost look twelve. I was glad I didn’t look twelve, to be honest. I was often told that I was kind of snarky, but considering what I’d dealt with my entire life, snarky was the understatement of the year.

  I pulled up to The Lounge’s back door, grabbed my guitar and ran inside. I had about ten minutes to spare.

  “Where the hell have you been, Haddington? Everything is set up except for you, as per usual,” Todd chided as I pulled the bar’s back door shut. The scowl on his face had me biting my lip so I wouldn’t laugh.

  “If I’m always late then why are you surprised?” I raised my left eyebrow in question.

  “Cut the crap Lizzie! I’m serious. Barry is almost totally drunk and Cameron is on her fifth shot of Jack. This set is going to blow. I’m so pissed right now,” Todd grumbled with such force. I wasn’t used to this side of Todd – the grumpy, whiney Todd was the worst. He only came out when Todd was under a lot of pressure.

  “I’m sorry, okay? I was dealing with some crap. I’m here now. Let’s do this!” I smiled my best ‘forgive me’ smile.

  I’ve known Todd since I was six. He lived next to my family’s farm about a mile away and he was my best friend. He was my first everythin
g. Everything. I loved Todd in such a weird way though. We could never make it work. It almost felt forbidden. I think we felt that underlying feeling and our relationship became what it was.

  The rain pounded on the cabin roof. Todd’s hands were burning like fire as he slid my shirt over my head. It was so dark out. I could hear the crackle of the wood stove. He pressed his lips to mine.

  “We shouldn’t do this,” I warned. “Your drunk, I’m drunk, it’s going to be weird.” My heart was racing in my chest and butterflies were running wild in my stomach as Todd undid the clasp of my bra.

  “Shh, it’ll be fine, nothing will change,” he said as he pressed his body along mine. “I love you. You know you’re my best friend, who else should we do this with?” He traced my lips with his thumb. My stomach tightened at his words and I felt safe for once. I gave in, but deep in the recesses of my heart I knew I shouldn’t, but I did. It felt right to give Todd my body. The first person to see me naked, mentally and physically. He was right. Who else should we do this with?

  The memory was like yesterday. It was three years ago. We were nineteen. We’d gone camping at his mother’s family cabin. Some of our friends were supposed to come camping too, but backed out at the last minute leaving Todd and me alone. It was supposed to be a last hurrah before he started school. I started a year later. I wasn’t ready to take on college at that point in my life. I was still fighting invisible demons even then. He would start Weber State University without me. It was a rite of passage really.

  I was sort of right though. It did make things weird. Even though I wouldn’t have wanted to share that experience with anyone else, I chose to bare myself to him physically, emotionally and made myself vulnerable to him. Even though that night felt wrong later, I would never regret it. Todd was my best friend and I love him.