Still Surviving Read online

  Still Surviving

  By A. M. Johnson

  (A Forever Still Novel)

  Blue Tulip Publishing

  www.bluetulippublishing.com

  Copyright © 2015 A.M. JOHNSON

  All rights reserved.

  Except the original material written by the author, all songs, and song Titles contained in this book are the property of the respective songwriters and copyright holders. The author concedes to the trademarked status and trademark owners of the products mentioned in this fiction novel and recognizes that they have been used without permission. The use and publication of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.

  No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or events is entirely coincidental.

  STILL SURVIVING

  Copyright © 2015 A.M. JOHNSON

  ISBN-13: 978-1-942246-76-3

  ISBN-10: 1-942246-76-5

  Cover Art by Francessca Romance Reviews

  DEDICATION

  To the ones who quietly suffer… Your kind is my kind.

  For Mari

  My own private life vest.

  “Chaos is an angel who fell in love with a demon”

  ~Christopher Poindexter

  PROLOGUE

  Seth

  THE COLD SEEPED THROUGH my bones; the streetlight was brightly shining through the sheets of rain. The tears, I couldn’t handle them anymore. This life was full of shit, full of disgusting promises — promises I couldn’t keep. She looked up at me with bright, hazel, doe eyes; her shiny black hair, now soaked, lay limp against her cheeks and shoulders; her dark green shirt clung to her breasts. Fuck, she was beautiful. She was everything, and I was… nothing. I was darkness… sickness… I couldn’t corrupt her like the others. She was too good for my brand of love, my black heart. I watched the chill creep into her flesh, the goose bumps splayed across her arm as the heat left her body. We were so close. I should reach out and warm her, comfort her, tell her what she wants to hear, but I’m her shadow and this can never be.

  The deep pink of her lips paled as they trembled; I couldn’t watch her suffer much longer. The slight green tint of her hazel eyes blurred as they filled with more tears. “Why?” she asked, the voice so familiar to me — the voice of fear, of rejection, of the never-ending inevitability of failure.

  She shivered, and I couldn’t let her dangle on that ledge any longer. The rain beat against my back as I rested my forehead against hers, my hands grasped at the back of her head cradling her even closer. My heart was heavily beating inside my ribcage, my veins full of the poison of love; this fucking girl had infected me, and I had to let her go. I was her shadow, meant to follow, always stalking behind, never truly there in the present, always a half a step behind — it was safe to admire from afar.

  “I’m not who you think I am.” My whisper sounded false to me. She knew me, better than anyone would ever know me, but this had to stop here. She’d never understand who I was deep down; my flame — my light — blew out a long time ago.

  “What the hell are you talking about?” She pulled away from me, forcing my hands to frame her face. The look she gave said it all, said I was crazy for ending this, for not letting it even start, for not letting her in. She didn’t have the faintest idea of what I could do to her. My faith was broken.

  I let my eyes meet hers, allowing the inevitable connection to happen. I owed her that much.

  The rain started to fall harder, but I didn’t care; I was caught up in all that was her, and for once I wanted something — I wanted this, and I wanted her. My eyes were drawn to her mouth; those wicked fucking lips were surely made to torture. I was ready for her punishment. I brought my lips slowly to hers, a faint breath exhaled from her parted lips, the cool air keeping her sweet breath suspended. Just before our lips met, she sighed. I could almost taste her, but that small sound brought me to my senses. I pulled away, denying myself that connection, and she started to cry harder.

  “You fucking break me, and I can’t… I can’t do this with you… I need to go.” My voice sounded foreign, like I wasn’t really controlling it — robotic, cold. This was who I was, and this was all I knew.

  CHAPTER ONE

  Seth

  THE HEAT WAS STIFLING in the small room, just like I liked it. The sweat dripped down the curve of her spine, egging me on. A musky vanilla scent hung heavy in the humid air between our bodies. The fingers of my right hand fisted into her white blonde hair, pulling her head back roughly, making her arch her back, bringing her ass hard against me, delving deep inside of her and giving me access to the fake tits that had cost her a pretty penny. She cried out; the replicated body created just for her… hours at the gym, tanned to perfection… trembled, almost ready to come.

  “Please.” She moaned, and the sound of need in her voice brought me to the edge.

  My body stilled as I pulled myself almost completely from her body, the head just buried in her entrance. “Fucking beg me.” The control is what I craved; that ability to bring them to the brink and then deny them, use them how I wanted. These plastic women, they were emotionless and all they did was take, take, and take.

  “God, just—“ She tried to rock her hips back towards me, and I let my fingers wrap around her neck keeping her in place.

  “Just what—“ The grip I held tightened just enough to make her want more. My hips moved slowly again, punishing her, making her need it. “This? Is this what you want?” She groaned as I pressed her head down into the mattress. Her face turned to the side, her flawless makeup from earlier was smeared down her cheek. The red tint of her lips rubbed off on her crisp, white sheets as I thrust hard inside of her. Her mask was wearing off. This primal state she was in, this is who she really was — another puppet, another insecure girl trying to own a man, just so she could bring him to ruin. She clenched her muscles, pulling me deep and bringing me closer to that fine line between heaven and earth, that moment when everything fell out below you and all that was left was a basic, simple creature — an animal.

  This is what I had become. This was the only way I could release what was hidden inside — the hate, the fear, the inability to feel something… to feel love. I let her rock back into me, my right hand holding her head down, my left hand held her hands behind her back. I let her come harder than she probably ever thought possible, because this would be the last time she’d ever see me. The last time her knees would buckle beneath her, the last time she’d cry out my name, and the last time she’d ever feel this good. This was all I offered; I made them beg me and then I left them, just like they deserved.

  The sound of laughter filtered through my thoughts, and it was probably for the best; the previous night’s extracurricular activities were starting to depress me. My roommate and his live in girlfriend, Lily, were making dinner and the smell of garlic was thick throughout the house, making my stomach rumble and my mouth water. Lily’s deep laugh brought the corner of my mouth into a small smirk; she was such a good girl, such a beautiful creature. Todd was fucking lucky, lucky to have her… lucky to have something greater than himself. I shook my head. Love was such an ideal though, wasn’t it? Everyone’s end goal? For me, I’d be happy to just get through this meal without coveting my roommate’s girlfriend.

  Todd’s deep voice was low as he spoke to Lily in a whisper. The wor
ds filled with sweetness as he promised her the world with those three words. I. Love. You. He eased her against the pantry door, oblivious to my watching eyes. The way he pushed her wild copper curls behind her ear, how his thumb traced the gentle slope of her jaw, his lips pressed against hers. A stolen moment. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I tried not to hear Lily’s moan echo in my head. Every night, every damn night I heard them. I heard Todd claim her as his, and I was a jealous fuck.

  I didn’t want Lily like that. No. I wanted to feel like they did. I wanted to know what it was like to have any other sort of emotion besides indifference.

  “You ready to eat, bro?” Todd called out from the kitchen.

  “Sure, ‘bout damn time.” The smile on my face… fake.

  Todd’s brow furrowed. The dark brown of his narrowed eyes searched my face. “What’s up, man?”

  “Nothing.” I turned up my smile a notch.

  “You can’t bullshit me, man. You’ve been a damn sad sack for a while now.”

  I exhaled noisily, hating that he knew me better than he should. “It will blow over.” That wasn’t true… her effect on me grew the minute she placed her hazel eyes on mine that night in the rain. I wouldn’t… couldn’t let her in. I just couldn’t. She was everything that was perfect about the world; she was moving art — she was something greater than myself. I wasn’t ready for that; she wasn’t ready for me. She’d break me, she’d drown herself in me, and I’d let her.

  “Seriously… that’s the shit you’re gonna feed me? What’s up? Is it your dad? He making you work too much again?” Todd pushed. He always pushed.

  “Just leave it, man. It’s been a crazy few months, for all of us.” My eyes pierced his, the pain still surfaced in the depth of his brown irises. Todd and his girlfriend had reconciled a couple of months ago after a big blow out sent her packing back to her hometown. I had to nurse this lovesick puppy back to health and show him that he was a man again. He finally fought for her and brought her home. I let my eyes drop from his. I’d never have something like that to fight for. I could, but I’d never let a woman ruin me; I’d never let some chick under my skin like he had let Lily. She practically destroyed him. I clenched my jaw. Never.

  Todd placed his firm grip on my shoulder. “Is this about—?”

  I shrugged out from under his touch. “Look, I’m fine. You guys have a good dinner, I’m going out.” The sentiment in his voice pissed me off. He was treating me like a child. I laughed bitterly. “I’m not a child, man.” Todd looked at me with what I assumed was disgust.

  “We’re just worried, that’s all.” Todd frowned. “You’ve been really fucking weird lately, dude. That’s all I’m saying.”

  Todd was a father now; he’d found out he had a little girl he never knew about a few months back. Emma, the mother of his child and a former one night stand, thought it best he didn’t know about his own flesh and blood. Anger sent a shiver down my spine. Another woman… another lie… another man brought to his knees. His daughter, Molly, and all that she brought to the table was the catalyst that started all of my roommate’s issues with his present girl. But now, now they were a happy little family unit, and watching it, seeing them have everything… buried the knife of my resentment deeper into my heart. I didn’t want to hate his happiness. But, at times, I did.

  “I’m fine. Eat dinner, screw your girl, I’ve got things to do.” My smirk was involuntary as I watched the crimson spread across Lily’s face as I turned to leave.

  “You didn’t just say that?” Lily stood in the entryway of the kitchen. The bright overhead lights cast through her long dress. The outline of her body was on full display. The see-through material showing off that perfect V between her legs. I closed my eyes and licked my lips. Shit, I needed to get laid.

  “You know I did, Hell Cat. You’ll thank me later.” I winked at her and gave her my best smile, completely phony. Lily’s eyes widened, and I chuckled. This laugh was real. I loved how easily I got her flustered. Most girls were like that with me, but she was an innocent, she was one of the good ones.

  “You’re horrible.” She walked toward the front door where I was now grabbing my keys out of the “junk bowl” on the sideboard table. She placed her small hand on my forearm; the crème of her skin stood out against her familiar dark purple nail polish. “Tell Tiffany I said ‘Hi.’” She gave me a knowing smirk, and it fueled my already irritated mood.

  “Tell her yourself.” I grabbed my keys and yanked open the door, the cool fall air hit my face and made my eyes water.

  I didn’t worry about how Lily’s smile fell at my rude tone. I didn’t worry that Lily suspected I had feelings for Tiff. I didn’t worry that she could be right. No, right now, all I wanted was to find some bitch with big tits, sculpted thighs, and bottle blonde hair to bury myself in, to punish for her perfection… to devour. I was hungry — hungry to the point of starvation. Being around Todd and Lily, watching what they had, and knowing I’d never have what they did, made the hollow in my gut ache. I threw away my chance that night… I could almost feel the rain trickle down my face, almost taste her breath.

  When I got inside my car, I pulled my phone from my pocket and moved my finger across the screen; her picture looked back at me. The sharp edge of her black bangs framed her soulful hazel eyes. The urge to call her, to tell her I needed to come by, was overpowering. But the need to preserve her, keep her whole, keep myself from eventually hating her… keep myself from falling… was stronger. Eventually, I put my phone in my pocket and pulled out of the driveway.

  The pub by the university always had a fine sampling for me to choose from. Hopefully, in a few hours, I’d have a sorority girl face down begging me to make her come, begging me to make her feel something other than the mundane shit she force fed herself each day. I’d fill her with my animosity, with the essence of what I had become. After all was said and done, this was how I stayed safe — safe from the lies that would inevitably be told, the love that would spoil, and the other man that would eventually take what was mine.

  I didn’t need love; I needed release.

  CHAPTER TWO

  Tiffany

  THE FAINT BUZZING SOUND of the tattoo machines thickened the air. The Magnolia Street Tattoo Parlor was much busier than a normal Sunday evening. The university classes had started, and all the co-eds wanted their token “rite of passage” tat. The nervous energy I always had as I prepared for work ebbed away as the soothing sound of bees poured through the shop. The vibration of the metal against my hand eased all the insecurity I had conjured up. My worn, black skinny jeans and white cashmere sweater clashed a bit with all the men that worked here. But being the only female had its advantages; these meatheads pretty much fell at my feet on most days.

  My smile pulled across my face as I admired the intricate tribal I had just finished. I wiped away the excess ink one last time. Sure, it was just a tribal on some jock shithead, but it was my tribal, my hand-created art, and it made me proud.

  “Damn, that looks sick.” The guy flexed his triceps as he watched the colorful art move with the muscle of his arm. Fluid. Motion. “I’m so glad you talked me into color.” He smiled at me.

  “It’s perfection, dude.” I took my gloves off and threw them into the garbage can. The small lengths of my arms stretched behind my back and let the curve of my spine pull out the tension from sitting for so long.

  My customer’s stare poured down my body, surprising me. I wasn’t much of a girl, really. At least I didn’t think so, so it always amazed me that men found me appealing at all. I was hardly five foot one, covered in tattoos, my hair ink black, and my ears full of piercings. My look was rough chic — my features angular and the heavy edge of my bangs cut across my brow line in a stark fashion. I brought my arms forward as his gaze fell to my small breasts. He bit the inside of his cheek, and I smirked. He realized he’d been caught checking me out.

  “What are your plans tonight?” he asked, the fabricated charm
in his voice as evident as the dimple in his tanned cheek.

  I stifled a giggle. This guy couldn’t be serious? “I don’t date my clients.” What the hell could this quarterback want with me? I tried to ignore his stare as I pulled on another set of clean gloves.

  I finished putting the salve on his newly tatted skin and started to wrap his arm in plastic wrap when he pushed again. “That’s a pity. I’d love to take you out.” He placed his thumb and forefinger on his chin as if he was trying to calculate a math problem or maybe figure out the meaning of life. I couldn’t be sure; his vapid features were hard to read. “I think we could have some fun, go get a drink… what time do you get off work?” He flashed his white teeth at me as his eyes strayed to the flare of my hip and to the slight curve of my backside, the only real feminine features I had.

  “Really, I’m not playing a game. I don’t date clients.” My gloves came off with force and a snap. He was starting to irritate me.

  His smile widened. “Everyone plays the game.” The predatory look in his eyes put me on edge.

  My hands started to curl into fists.

  “Do you need some help over here, Tiff?” Scott, one of the guys I worked with, walked with ease to my booth.

  “Nah, he was just leaving.” I smiled with saccharine at the Neanderthal next to me. “Just pay the guy at the counter, he knows my fee schedule. He’ll also print out care instructions. Make sure to follow everything it says.”

  He nodded. “Well if you change your mind, I’ll leave my number at the desk. Thanks for doing such a great job, sweetheart.” He flashed me that award-winning smile one more time before he left.

  “What a dipshit.” I chuckled, but my laugh died in the air as I caught Scott’s hard posture. The muscle in his jaw flexed. “Scott, you okay?”