Still Life (Forever Still #1) Read online

  But, he wanted a relationship that I couldn’t give. I loved Todd, but not truly, deeply, madly. He was my brother in arms, my hero when I needed saving, my confidant when no one else could understand. We were complicated. Two pieces of complex organic matter shoved into the cosmos of our fate. In the end, he and I were always there for each other. He for me in my darkest of times. I was the moth to his flame.

  He started at Weber State and was quickly picked up by their swim team. He was a full-blown college jock man whore by spring semester. I was glad I didn’t entertain ideas of us getting together someday. He obviously wasn’t ready for that and didn’t need me tying him down. He was truly just my really good friend.

  Todd’s voice shook me from my daydream, “Let’s do this!” He smiled and wrapped his strong arms around me then kissed the top of my head.

  The heat from the stage lights drew small beads of sweat from my hairline. Barry was totally drunk but able to keep the beat with his amazing drumming skills. Cameron laid off the Jack during our set. Cameron was my bass player and best friend. Cam and I met in kindergarten. I can still recall the first day I met her. She was all spunk even then. We fought over who got to use the washable markers during craft time at school. She shoved me and called me a thief. I remember pulling her thick, strawberry blonde locks in my hand as we tumbled around on the ground. Todd was in our class too and separated us. He threatened to tell the teacher on Cam if she didn’t hand over the green marker. Cam, being the stubborn girl that she was, refused. I called her some silly name and Todd laughed. Cam started crying. I felt so bad that I made her cry, I punched Todd and that made her laugh. Since then, we’ve been thick as thieves.

  Todd, Cameron, and I had gone to all the same schools, known all the same people, and secrets. Cam was there for me, just as much as Todd, when my life fell apart. She helped me hone my voice and encouraged me to play guitar. It was even her idea we play in this band together. She knew music was therapeutic for me. I loved that we were all able to share this one gift. This talent, our music, could heal all of us after that one horrible day so many years ago.

  “Once again, our name is Unbridled and this will be our last song. I really hope you enjoyed your time with us. This song is called ‘Remembered.’”

  I smiled in thought. I started to strum my guitar and hum the beginning chords. I always liked my voice. I felt vain, but I’d never had anything to love about myself. So, I let myself have this one thing, this tiny voice. This voice that made me feel like I was soaring on the clouds, that my heart would explode with pain and love if I couldn’t get the sound out of my chest. The words stuck, swirling in the atmosphere of my brain, creating this want… this need to be discovered. On that stage, I could be anybody. I could be beautiful to everyone, noticed for more than just my story. I needed that. I needed to come up here on this stage and pour my soul into the air.

  It was getting late and the bartender called out, “Last call.” I reached my hand up to order a drink.

  “I’ll have a glass of Riesling,” I said while sitting on the bar stool. I always enjoyed drinking a glass of cool wine after a show. It helped to release my anxiety about how it went. I felt large hands clasp my shoulder.

  “Great show tonight, Lizzie bean.” Todd slowly turned me on the bar stool and gave me a bear hug.

  “I told you everything would be fine,” I grumbled as I pulled away. “Where are Cameron and Barry?”

  “They were making out in the bathroom, the bouncer called them a cab.” Todd rolled his eyes. Barry and Cameron had been dating for about three months. They were still in the ‘honeymoon phase’ as we liked to call it. Our old drummer left to go to grad school, so we found Barry via a classified advertisement in the University Newspaper. Cameron was smitten. From day one.

  As Todd and I snickered about Cameron, the most massively built guy I’d ever seen walked up to Todd and shoved his shoulder. Great, Todd probably slept with this guy’s girl and was now about to promptly be murdered.

  “What the hell brother?” Todd smiled then fist bumped this guy. “Hey Sawyer, this is my girl Lizzie. Lizzie, this is Sawyer.”

  I scrunched my nose. “I’m not your girl, Todd. Nice to meet you, Sawyer. My friends call me Elizabeth.” I held out my hand to shake his. He took my proffered hand and smiled a small yet delicious smile, which in turn made me smile a small coy smirk. I fought myself and tried to remain confident. He was intimidatingly attractive. He had quite dark green eyes that looked straight into mine, stirring me into a tangled ball of nerves.

  “Nice to meet you, Elizabeth. Fantastic show. You have an amazing voice.” Sawyer’s smile radiated now. His voice was deep and my hand felt infantile in his. Between his smile, compliments, and warm hands, I started to feel pleasantly overwhelmed. Todd’s loud snickering, however, broke the spell.

  “Wait. What? Elizabeth!” Todd howled with laughter. I shoved him in his ribs. “Oh Lizzie, you’re so my girl. Known this chick since I was six, pretty sure that makes you my girl,” Todd said then he kissed me on the cheek. Sawyer appraised us with caution. His bottomless green eyes met mine again and his grin widened like he knew some secret I didn’t. It made me angry for some reason.

  “Todd. Grow up.” I tried to stand, unsuccessfully I might add.

  “Liz… chill, Lizzie bean.” Todd sat me squarely back in my seat. “I’m sorry Sawyer, I can get sort of protective of this little gem and she hates it.” Todd howled with laughter again. Sawyer’s body seemed stiff as his eyes shifted to Todd.

  “Over-protective is an understatement, my friend. So how do you know this jackass?” I frowned.

  “We swim together. Oh, and as of a few weeks ago, I guess we’re roommates.” Sawyer shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

  “This is your new roommate, Todd?” I asked incredulously. This guy was considerably large for a swimmer. He had to be at least six foot three or six foot four. He didn’t remind me of a student. He was a man. Like a man’s man kind of man. He was full of immense muscle and had the broad back of a swimmer. He had a swimmer’s body times ten and was very nice to look at. His dark brown hair was shaggy short and fell slightly across his forehead. He was clean cut and even from where I was sitting he smelled really good, sort of woodsy mixed with spice and chocolate. He had on really nice jeans and a tight blue T-shirt and boots. He was totally out of my league and the thought made me grimace.

  “Yes, I finished moving in last week,” Sawyer smirked. “Is there a problem with that?” he teased, letting his body relax.

  “No, no, sorry. I guess I didn’t know you were moved in already,” I said pulling myself together.

  “He’s a SEAL!” Todd boasted.

  “A what?”

  “I was in the Navy, Navy SEAL to be more specific. You know, Special Forces, that kind of thing. I was in for eight years.” Sawyer smiled tentatively.

  “Oh.” I couldn’t find a better answer. My mind was running a mile a minute. How old is this guy? Why is he here? Did he go to war? What do these SEAL fellas do? Why is he swimming at Weber State University in the middle of nowheresville, Utah?

  “Yeah, pretty boring, uh?” He smiled that slight delicious smile again.

  “No, not really,” I said using a bored tone.

  I was pretty good at flirting. My therapist thought it was a healthy normal college girl thing to do, as long as I didn’t become truly ‘promiscuous.’ I’d slept with two guys my whole life so I didn’t think it was much of a problem. I did, however, enjoying kissing. Sometimes when I was drunk, I would kiss boys that I shouldn’t. Todd’s a perfect example of said drunk kissing problem. Except, I gave him my virginity instead of just a kiss. I was glad I wasn’t drunk now because there’s no way I could stop myself from being an idiot with this Sawyer character. There was just something about him that drew me in. Lamb to the slaughter and all that summed it up nicely, I thought.

  “Well, I’m going to head out. Thanks for inviting me, Dixon. See you at practice
tomorrow?” Sawyer asked with a worried tone. I rolled my eyes at the trite use of Todd’s last name. Why do guys do that?

  “I’ll be the one with bells on, Bryant!” Todd was starting to slur his words.

  “Elizabeth.” Sawyer’s eyes met with mine one last time, he nodded and gave me a tight smile.

  “Sawyer.” I matched his nod and smile, hoping I kept my cool as I watched his magnificent masculine frame walk away.

  The steam from the shower began to thicken to the point where I could finally relax. I sighed. My first few swim practices were behind me. I knew coming to school a twenty-six-year-old freshman would have its setbacks, but I had no clue what total douche bags were going to be on the swim team. I wasn’t used to being the butt-end of a joke. Despite my unorthodox upbringing, in high school I was the captain of the swim team, Seattle Prep Academy’s golden boy. I was a master at pretending. I was everything my parents wanted me to be. Everything I hated. No one at school really knew me, even though I was a leader in sports and academics, I was quiet and introverted.

  I was expected to have straight A’s so when I graduated I could get into the best University and major in Computer Technology and minor in Business. I would then take over my father’s telecommunications business. I was to keep the family name going. Supposedly I was to look past my father’s infidelity, to take his punches like a man, and to watch my mother fade into the dreary background of the watercolor life we lived. I was supposed to feel warm in the house, painted in pale greys and blues, its white hard furniture a perfect example of my father, empty and cold.

  I was thirteen years old. I walked up the stairs to my parents’ room where I heard my parents laughing. Laughing? My parents don’t laugh. I walked down the hall. I felt a sickness in my stomach. The laughing stopped and I heard my father grunt. Was he hurt?

  “Dad,” I said quietly outside his door. I don’t want to upset him. He hits me so hard now. I touched my ribs, “ugh,” I hissed. It still hurt. I started opening the door very quietly, but I was so afraid of what I would see. I heard my mom giggle. Pushing the door further, I moved into the room and processed what I saw. There was a woman, but it was not my mother. She was on all fours and my father was behind her naked, he hovered over her and grunted again. She made a face that appeared as if she was in pain. I couldn’t speak. The woman who was not my mother moaned and then smiled turning her head. She saw me standing there and started to slap my dad. He turned and started yelling, but I couldn’t process what he said. I was looking at the naked woman that was not my mother when suddenly, I was on the floor and there was blood dripping from my nose. My dad picked me up and threw me out of the room. I hit the banister to the stairs. My arm bent funny, and I was in so much pain…

  “Dude. What the freak man! Get the hell out already, bro. I got to get ready for the show tonight,” Todd yells from the bathroom door breaking me from my memory.

  “Sorry, man. I’m getting out now. Settle down before I come out there and whip your ass proper,” I growled.

  “Hey now, no threats, no threats. So, I take it you're coming tonight?” he said as he threw the towel over the shower curtain.

  “Yeah, yeah, I said I’d come, didn’t I? It’s at The Lounge, right? At ten?” I stepped out of the shower shoving him in the shoulder. Serves that little shit right. You don’t walk in on a grown-ass man taking a shower.

  “Fuck, Bryant. Are you trying to injure me and ruin my season?” Todd laughed exacerbated.

  “Nah, just reminding you who you are.” My lips spread into a cocky grin.

  He appraised me then. Looking at me like he wanted to wrestle… like he knew what I was thinking.

  “That’s right,” I thought… I would own his ass.

  When I left home at eighteen to join the Navy, I had one goal – Navy SEAL. I trained hard, harder than humanly possible. I started off in Special Warfare Prep. Being an exemplary swimmer helped, but that training kicked my ass. I had no idea what I was in for with BUD/S, Basic Underwater Demolition Training. I had gone through grueling phases of preparation before I made it to SQT, SEAL Qualification Training, where I refined my skills as the real deal. I was assigned a team based out of Coronado, California and continued my teaching for a little over eighteen months at Troop Training (TRP) before I got my first six-month deployment. I excelled at close quarter combat, diving, and surveillance. Among other things, I was also good with a gun. I never would’ve thought being a sniper was something I would aspire to. I learned a lot about myself in the Navy.

  I was in for a total of eight years. Special warfare suited me just fine. I can thank my father for that. He taught me to take a hit and how to be numb to it. It didn’t totally prepare me to be the SEAL I became, but it’s sure as hell helped. The SEALS helped heal me actually, by giving me back my confidence and then some. They were my real family and they would always be my brothers.

  “So, who’s going to this shindig?” I asked as I put my wallet in my back pocket.

  “Most of the team will be there. My girl Lizzie, she’s the singer and plays guitar with me. She’s amazing man, just wait till you hear her. She’s so talented.” Todd’s smile was so big now I sort of hated him.

  “That chick Cameron’s in the band right? She’s in my Micro class.”

  “Yeah, she is bro, but sorry dude, she’s dating our drummer. But it is a bar, there’ll be lots of chicks.” If I thought he couldn’t smile any bigger, I would’ve been wrong.

  “Wait, I thought Lizzie was your girl?” I reminded him.

  Todd shut and locked the door behind us. “She is, but our relationship is weird.” I looked across the roof of the car from him with my right eyebrow cocked.

  “Explain.”

  “I’ve known her since forever man, she’s been through some serious shit. She’s my best friend, on occasion we have benefits, but that hasn’t happened in a long time. She’s still my girl though. No one is ever going to be good enough, bro. No… one.” We pulled out of the parking lot and I turned down the radio and stared at him skeptically. Let’s just say Todd is the type of guy that doesn’t really care where he sticks his dick. I’ve only lived with him for a little over three weeks and he’s had at least two different chicks a week there. What he does, I don’t care. I don’t have time for that shit. Don’t get me wrong, being away at war makes me just as hungry as the next guy, but I have standards. Todd does not. So this surprises me that he actually values this female. She must be something else. This declaration now has my curiosity peaked.

  “So are you saving yourself for her?” I laughed so loud I almost snorted.

  “What? Hell no! As you’ve probably already figured out, I don’t need help in that department. She is just… uh… she is just—”

  “She’s just what? A small circus midget that is really good at giving—”

  “Hey, shut your damn mouth! I swear to God I’ll find a way to kick your ass if you ever talk about Lizzie like that…” Todd’s face was so comical, his cheeks were crimson and puffed in and out with each harsh breath, so much so I had to stifle a smile.

  “I’m joking, I’m joking.” I laughed a little. “I solemnly swear to never talk trash about your precious Lizzie, ever again. She must be pretty hot though, for you to hold her in such high regard. That’s all I’m saying,” I said as we pulled into the parking lot of the bar. He was quiet for a moment. We hauled his music equipment in through the back door.

  We spent a while setting up. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing with all this equipment. He didn’t say one word to me though and I was starting to think I’d really pissed him off. It was getting close to ten and I was having a beer at the bar when Todd finally decided he was going to talk to me again.

  “Look Sawyer, sorry. Show nights… well, they mess with my head. I just really care about her. She’s my girl. I can’t really call her my sister, you shouldn’t sleep with your sister…”

  What? He’s slept with her? This was getting more interesting.
I guess she was totally off limits now. Damn! I thought as he continued, “….we’re very complicated. I know she doesn’t care about me like that anymore. I get it. It’s just, whoever finally takes her from me better be prepared for a fight, or at least be damn good enough for my blessing.”

  “I get it. History. Complicated.” I held my hands up in surrender and handed him the beer I’d just ordered. “Can I get another?” I asked the bartender.

  Just when I was taking my first sip, I saw her walk through the back door. I couldn’t believe it. Was it the girl from the other day? I was driving home from swim practice and seriously the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen was in the car next to me singing. I saw her and smiled and totally embarrassed her. I couldn’t believe she was here. I didn’t think I’d see her again. It’s a college town so I held out some hope, but who knew. I felt the most outrageous smile break across my face. The smile quickly fell when Todd stood and about ran to her.

  Please, please don’t be Lizzie.

  It looked as though they were fighting. Maybe it’s not her, I thought for a small second before I watched her grab a guitar case and nearly fling it at him. I laughed to myself. She’s a fiery little thing. She can’t be more than five foot two yet she’s totally curvy with ample assets. She was so small. I had an errand thought of what it would feel like to have her petite frame underneath me. I scratched that away real fucking quickly. This is the ‘girl,’ Todd’s girl. I’m not looking to fight him because I’m sure as hell not good enough for her to receive his blessing that’s for damn sure.

  I was fifteen. I was sitting at the dinner table eating dinner with my dad. Mom was upstairs crying. I think she was crying because my teacher called today. Mrs. Lancaster. She told my mom and dad I wasn’t doing well in math. I had a hard time with numbers and focusing. I told my mom this earlier. That’s when dad came in. He yelled so loud at me. My mom tried to tell him it was okay. He shoved her against the wall and told her to leave. She did. He didn’t hit me then, he just told me to sit and eat dinner. So, that’s what I did, I ate. My stomach felt sick again. I was trying to eat, but my mouth was dry.